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<span>高2的时候，有一回去好同桌家玩，晚上我和他睡一起，早上我先醒，晨勃了。发现同桌还在打鼾，我就开始撸，撸到快关键的时候，我同桌拿了一块布状东西给我，不要射在床上。。。。。。。。。。</span>


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<span>每次想掏出手机看看时间，打开，看到有微信进来，看个一遍。最后，把手机放进口袋里想一想，到底几点来着？有同样情况吧？嘿嘿……</span>


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<span>哥们新交了个漂亮的女朋友，想在我们面前炫耀，于是约好去酒吧。才刚坐下还没叫酒呢，周围卡座的陆续排队过来送两三瓶啤酒，也不说话放下酒就走。我们羡慕对哥们说：兄弟，可以嘛，人面挺广。哥们一脸懵逼说：我不认识呀！他女友羞赧地说：他们都是我的酒友。我们沉默了</span>


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<span class="stats-vote"><i class="number">727</i> 好笑</span>
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<span>小时候跟家里人去农村过年，我把一个挺粗的炮仗扔在灶坑里了，那动静！一屋子人不要命的往外跑，整明白了怎么回事在看锅，一锅的菜都从一个个洞里漏下去了。。<br/>现在想想没被揍死 我一定是亲生的！！！</span>


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<span>请告诉您的孩子：在外面，找不到爸爸妈妈的时候，不要慌乱，去任意一家银行坐下，告诉工作人员你找不到家人了，工作人员会联系你的家人的。10月1日起，全国银行正式成为中国失联儿童安全守护点！银行就是失散儿童守护人！只要孩子进了银行，即便暂时与家长失去联系，孩子也不会被拐卖或出现意外！真要都接力起来能帮助多少走丢的孩子！</span>


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<span>到工厂办事，办公室一样子很中性的工作人员在值班。<br/>我想当然的:“兄弟，开个单子”<br/>他抬头瞪我一眼“把证件拿来。”<br/>声音柔软妖娆。我心里咯噔一下，知道用错称呼了，递过证件半晌不敢作声默默看她写单……<br/>拿单出门后想想应该道个歉，就回头敲门进去尴尬对她说:“不好意思靓女，刚才我我我…以为你是男的…”<br/>他“啪”一声一拍桌子，依旧妖娆的破口大骂“你他妈虾啊？老子本来就是男的。”<br/><br/>………………<br/><br/>我艹！！！</span>


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<span>去买卷饼…割割割…“老板，卷饼多少钱？”五块，“加肠呢？”六块“再加鸡蛋呢？”七块“再加点菜呢？”八块“好的，给我来个卷饼什么都不加”…………</span>


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<span>初中老师总说：这个知识点你到高中就知道了。于是我傻乎乎的到了高中，高中老师却告诉我：这个知识点你初中应该学过。我就想说：TMD人与人之间的信任呢？不说了，心好累.......</span>


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<span>小时候偷看隔壁家的姐姐洗澡，由于太兴奋，第二天就跟我哥说，我哥顿时脸就黑了，给我大的鼻青脸肿的……那一刻我感觉我的生死只在哥的一念之间，哥我现在就在你去看，又是一顿乱揍，在我感觉生无可恋的时候，<br/>哥:还不快带我去<br/>我……好嘞，生活充满节奏感</span>


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<span>今天上班路上看到，应该是一对小情侣吧。<br/>那男的对那女的大吼:“你他妈的能不能别跟着我，滚远点。”<br/>没想到，那女的也不甘示弱:“怎么？嫌烦了，告诉你，老娘要不是爱你，老娘才懒的缠着你。”<br/>原本我以为这是世上最动人的情话，如果当时换做我是男猪脚，我肯定会被感动双手搂住对方:“小婊砸，我也爱你。”<br/>不料一声“小姨，我们是没有可能的，我妈知道肯定会打死我的，我们还是分手吧！”<br/>不得不让我最后以两个字“我日”用来收尾。</span>


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<span>和男友异地恋，每次见面都很高兴，今天的我又满怀期待的心情坐上了奔向男友的那个城市的火车，期间男友发短信说到了想吃啥，想去哪玩，可是老娘什么都听不进去，心中只有一个念头，老娘马上就要被啪了，老娘马上就要被啪了.....</span>


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<span>今天去做公交车，看到美女的屁股漏出来了，我去帮她往上提提，谁知道，姑娘转头给我就是一巴掌，还说我是流氓！然后我没办法，往下拽点儿，司机一个刹车，不小心全拽下来了，我一看，赶紧帮她挡住。。。。。。“你TMD闭嘴，公交车上扒人家大姑娘的裤子不要紧，还摸人家屁股，你还有理了”警察叔叔训到。警察叔叔，我真不是故意的。。。。。。</span>


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<span>今天在机场，碰见一个非洲友人，童言无忌的表弟顺口来了句:真他么的黑。。没想到外国人突然来了中文:就你白。   好尴尬。</span>


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<span>在朋友家做客，他双胞胎儿子午休时吵起来，朋友忙问咋回事，兄弟俩争先恐后的说：他挤着我了。朋友怎样劝都不行，他媳妇在一旁火了，说：别吵了，你俩在妈妈肚子里的时候，那么小的地方咋没见你们嫌挤呢？兄弟俩你望我一眼，我望你一眼，乖乖的不吭声了。</span>


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<span>不割，还有用～～～今天秘书MM说“吃惊”时候的表情，让我再也无法直视这个词了</span>


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<span>我：你再这样污我得跟你绝交了<br/>她：绝交是什么新姿势？</span>


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<span>这个6。。</span>


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<span>小区旁新开了一家早点铺，没什么人去吃。每当有什么人经过的时候店里的人就用热切的眼光盯一下。经常去买菜都要经过那里，但是我都要离得远远的，感觉没进去吃好像很对不起他们的目光。</span>


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<span>抱着电脑等公交，车子即将进站，我前边一个妹子，背对着我，低头玩手机，挡我路了，我连忙提醒她“麻烦让一下，借过！”她往前挪两步，“借过！”她又往前挪两步，，，，<br/>我忍不住轻撞她一下，冲她说，美女，你这么调戏我，真的好吗？<br/>那妹子回头一笑，烂仔，像你这么搭讪，是没人理你的！！</span>


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<span>现在都还记得老公说，老婆，我求你不要做饭了。饿了就出去吃，难得走就叫外面。锅碗毁了都不重要，厨房点着就点着了。要是你自己烫上了，那我就不用活了。。。我其实很认真了，请相信我。</span>


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<p>看，铲屎的又背着我们看动物世界！</p>
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<p>我也想要一个这样的枕巾睡得踏实</p>
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<p>您还有啥吩咐</p>
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<p>老婆生日说要我送颗钻石给她</p>
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